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Pets > Dogs, Health and Care > Re: The House o...
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Re: The House of Kibology

by madge <spammailformadge@[EMAIL PROTECTED] > Oct 4, 2008 at 06:28 PM

Scraper and bot

Hi Di Hi Ho bloody ho. Using up the universal bitspace is allowed.

Please fill in the following form

Dear:
[ ] Sir      [ ] Spammer         [ ] Twit               [ ] Clueless
Newbie
[ ] Madam    [ ] Comrade         [ ] Management Baboon  [ ] Idjit
[ ] Kook     [ ] <AHEM!>       [ ] Marketroid         [ ]  
Obergruppenfuehrer
[ ] B1FF     [ ] 3L33T D00D!!!   [ ] anon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
      [ ]  
Other:________________


I took exception to your recent post to __(newsgroup)___

It was (check all that apply):

  [ ] lame.
  [ ] stupid.
  [ ] pointless.
  [ ] tasteless.
  [ ] much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you may be capable.
  [ ] an obvious troll.

Your attention is drawn to the fact that (check all that apply):

  [ ] you made a ridiculously off topic post to a newsgroup.
  [ ] you made a ridiculously off topic post to numerous newsgroups.
  [ ] you obviously don't know how to read your newsgroups line.
  [ ] you started a long, stupid thread.
  [ ] you continued spreading a long, stupid thread.
  [ ] you crossposted a long, stupid thread.
  [ ] you are the subject of a long, stupid thread.
  [ ] what you said has been said before.
      [ ] and it was said better the last time.
  [ ] your post was a pathetic imitation of  ___(net.personality)__.
  [ ] your post originated on FidoNet.
  [ ] your post originated on aol.com.
  [ ] your post originated on ix.netcom.com.
  [ ] your post originated on a FirstClass BBS.
  [ ] your post referred to the newsgroup as a Board, BBoard, BBS,
      Domain, or Notesfile.
  [ ] you quoted someone's whole article.
      [ ] and added absolutely nothing.
          [ ] except your .sig file.
      [ ] and added meaningless gibberish.
          [ ] specifically, your .sig file.
  [ ] you posted a "Check out my Web Page" article.
      [ ] off-topic.
          [ ] and your web page sucks.
  [ ] you posted some sort of crap that doesn't belong in this group.
      [ ] again.
      [ ] and it was boring.
          [ ] the first time.
  [ ] you posted the inanely stupid 'Make Money Fast' article.
  [ ] you predicted the "Imminent Death of the Net (tm)".
      [ ] from delphi.com.
      [ ] from AOL.com.
      [ ] from FIDOnet.
  [ ] you advocated Net censor****p.
  [ ] you made one or more bigoted statements.
  [ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual
superiority.
  [ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve.
  [ ] you are clearly up way past your bedtime.
  [ ] you seem to be under compulsion to post to every thread.
  [ ] your post contained the terms (check all that apply):
      [ ]  "surf the net"
      [ ]  "surf the web"
      [ ]  "hacker"
      [ ]  "warez"
      [ ]  "cyber___(insert suffix here)___"
      [ ]  "Information Superhighway
      [ ]  "\C\a\b\a\l"
  [ ] your post contained commercial advertising.
      [ ] for an obvious scam.
          [ ] that's been posted so many times it has its own cancelbot.
  [ ] your post contained numerous errors in (check all that apply):
      [ ] spelling.
      [ ] grammar.
      [ ] fact.
      [ ] logic.
  [ ] YOUR POST CONTAINED EXCESSIVE CAPITALIZATION AND/OR PUNCTUATION!!!!!
  [ ] you posted a newgroup message without Leader Kibo's permission.
  [ ] you posted an rmgroup message without Bruce Becker's permission.
  [ ] you posted a test message to a non-test group.
  [ ] your post/letter was a forgery.
      [ ] a clumsy one.
  [ ] you used the phrase "Information Superhighway".
      [ ] to make a lame hiqhway-related analogy:
      	 [ ] roadkill
          [ ] pothole
          [ ] other: ____________
  [ ] you asked for replies via email because you "don't read this group".
  [ ] you flamed someone who:
      [ ] has been around far longer than you.
      [ ] is far more intelligent and witty than you.
          [ ] and considering who you flamed, that's sad.
  [ ] your post contained HTML tags.
      [ ] which are not parseable under any known implementation of HTML.
  [ ] your lines are 80 columns wide or wider.
      [ ] and your editor:
          [ ] wrapped them, making them difficult to read.
          [ ] truncated them, making them impossible to read.
  [ ] your .sig is ridiculous because (check all that apply):
      [ ] it's longer than four lines.
          [ ] and your server truncated it.
      [ ] it was inserted in a posting you made "anonymously" through  
penet.fi.
      [ ] you included a stupid disclaimer.
          [ ] which made an attempt at being witty.
              [ ] and it failed.
                   [ ] miserably.
      [ ] you stated you do not speak for your employer.
          [ ] and included the company logo.
      [ ] you included (check all that apply):
           [ ] a stupid self-quote.
           [ ] a stupid quote from a net.nobody.
           [ ] a Rush Limbaugh quote.
           [ ] an Adolf Hitler quote.
           [ ] a Dan Quayle joke.
           [ ] a reference to Beavis & Butthead.
           [ ] one or more lame ASCII graphics (check all that apply):
               [ ] USS Enterprise
               [ ] Australia
               [ ] AT&T logo
               [ ] bicycle
               [ ] Bart Simpson
               [ ] other:____________

  Furthermore:

  [ ] you have greatly misunderstood the purpose of ___(newsgroup)__
  [ ] you have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the net.
  [ ] you are a loser.
  [ ] *plonk*
  [ ] you must have spent your life in a Skinner box to be this clueless.
      [ ] this has been pointed out to you before.
          [ ] twice.
          [ ] more than twice.
  [ ] you appear to be an idiot.
  [ ] you appear to be a raving lunatic.

  It is recommended that you:

  [ ] stick to FidoNet and come back when you've grown up.
  [ ] stop reading __(newsgroup)__ and get a life.
  [ ] learn to type.
  [ ] consume excrement.
  [ ] consume excrement and thus expire.

Additional comments:
*****************************************************************
*                                                               *
*                                                               *
*                                                               *
*                                                               *
*****************************************************************
Please return form to the norm.



		   ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY
		FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS.

"WHAT TIME IS IT?"
7:04pm, Sunday, November 24, 1991.  (Eastern US time.)

"WHAT'S ON TV?"
"60 Minutes" is starting.  Andy Rooney is going to kill Charles
Osgood with a pool cue and paper clips.

"WHERE CAN I FIND THE FAQ LIST?"
Depends on what FAQ list you're looking for.  The alt.religion.kibology
FAQ can be found in alt.postmodern.  The alt.postmodern FAQ is in
alt.***.  The alt.*** FAQ is in alt.exploding.kibo.  The
alt.exploding.kibo
FAQ is in rec.arts.tv.soaps.  The rec.arts.tv.soaps FAQ is in the bathtub.

"SPEAKING OF BATHTUBS, KIBO, WHAT'S THAT BLUE STUFF IN YOUR SOAP DISH?"
It's a special liquid soap I found that smells just like Blue Kool-Aid
tastes.  No, it won't dye your skin.

"WHAT'S THE RIGHT WAY TO PRONOUNCE YOUR NAME?"
Loudly, very loudly.  But seriously, folks... I say the 'i' in "Kibo" as
'eye'.  Most people say 'ee' as in 'see', some say the short 'i' as in  
'bit'.
I don't care what you say.  Just _spell_ it right.

"HOW DID YOU GET THAT NAME?"
Somewhat accidentally.  Don't ask.

"HOW DID YOU GET THAT NAME?"
I said...

"WHAT'S KIBOLOGY?"
That's a long story, and I won't burden you with the explanation right
now.

"WHAT'S ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY FOR?"
Kibology.  And almost anything.  EXCEPT POSTMODERNISM AND XIBO'S
CAFFEINE-INDUCED WHINING ABOUT HIS LACK OF A *** LIFE.

"WHAT'S ALT.EXPLODING.KIBO FOR?"
For discussion of the act of blowing Kibo up, watching Kibo
spontaneously explode, drawing ASCII pictures of Kibo's head exploding,
sound files that go *BOOM*, etc.  And almost anything else, except
postmodernism and Xibo's stuff.

"WHAT'S THE QOTD?"
"That's disgusting." -- Connie Chung

"WHAT'S A QOTD?"
Quote Of The Day.  You'll also see Kibo occasionally posting ROTDs,
SOTDs, OOTDs, WOTDs, etc. here.  They'll be explained later.  Don't panic.

"DOES KIBO REALLY HAVE A BIG EGO?"
Kibo says, "Heck, I have THE SMALLEST EGO IN THE WHOLE WORLD.  I'm MORE
HUMBLE than YOU."

"WHAT OTHER NEWSGROUPS DOES KIBO ANNOY?"
I'm running a complete search right now of three weeks' worth of Usenet.
You'll see a long list posted here soon.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S JOB?"
He's self-employed.  He designs typefaces (he worked on an "A", an "s",
and a "W" today between appointments) and does things like letterheads,
logos, and business cards for clients.  It's also rumored that he is
also an unlicensed psychotherapist (under an assumed name), but that's
untrue.

"WHAT DID KIBO STUDY IN COLLEGE?"
Sitcom writing.  Really.  Other kinds of writing, too (the degree says
"Writing, Literature, and Publi****ng: Professional Writing Division")
but the specialty was really in comedy and scriptwriting.  (Emerson
College, Boston.)

"DOES KIBO HAVE ANY ILLUMINATIVE APHORISMS TO LIVE BY?"
Yes.
    "You're allowed!"
    "Everything is unique in exactly the same way!"
    "Kibo is no ORDINARY bozo."
    ...and about six hundred more where those came from, if you're a
    glutton for punishment.

"IS KIBO REALLY A COMPUTER PROGRAM?"
The rumors that I am an AI program are completely unfounded.  Sixty
lines of LISP can hardly be called AI.  (There's also a C version, which
is not currently endorsed, because some weenie changed my vocabulary
slightly.)  The automatic Kibo-aphorism-generators should be posted here
eventually.  Then you'll be able to experience the joy of having Kibo
babble at you ANY TIME!

"WHAT SHOULD I HAVE FOR DINNER?"
Eat lots of spicy Chinese food.  Don't eat anywhere that has 'chow mein'
or 'chop suey' on the menu.  Drink too much Dr. Pepper afterwards.  Eat
leftover Chinese food on the subway illegally.

"CAN I GIVE KIBO ALL MY MONEY?"
Sure.

"DOES KIBO BELONG TO ANY PROMINENT ORGANIZATIONS?"
Yes, but most of them are secret, such as Aramchek and the Bavarian
Illuminati.  A few aren't, such as the Society for Eradication of
Television and the Graphic Artists Guild.  When Kibo was younger, he
belonged to the Dr. Seuss book club.

"WHERE DID KIBO GROW UP?"
Schenectady.  Well, Scotia (a suburb of that enormous city.)

"IS KIBO EVER SARCASTIC?"
No, never.  He also never lies.

"WHAT'S THE MAXMUM SIZE KIBO'S .SIGNATURE HAS EVER REACHED?"
Something like 1450 lines.  Of course, that's too long to be posted,
since 1000 lines is often the limit.  Also, the Postscript .signature is
around 300K, and the .RIB one is around twelve megabytes.

"IF ALL MY DINNER GUESTS ARE LEFT-HANDED, CAN I PUT THE FORKS ON THE
LEFT OF THE PLATE AND THE KNIVES ON THE RIGHT?"
Avoid the whole issue by using chopsticks, or better yet, mandels, the
miracle new food utensil from KiboCorp.  (Mandels resemble small
catapults on sticks.  You slide one under a piece of food, whack the
lever, and the food flies into your mouth.  Not for use with soup.)

"DOES KIBO HAVE HIS OWN TV SHOW?"
Not yet.  That's part of the reason he plans to buy a network first.

"HOW MUCH TV DOES KIBO WATCH?"
All thirteen inches--I've never heard of anyone watching only part of
the screen.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE TV SHOW?"
Nothing will ever top Geraldo opening Al Capone's vault!

"NO, REALLY."
Well, currently, Kibo likes Murphy Brown, The Prisoner, Pee-wee's
Playhouse, Parker Lewis Can't Lose, Seinfeld, etc.  Kibo also likes
Really Bad TV Shows, for the humor value: Small Wonder, The Grudge
Match, What A Dummy, Space:1999, etc.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S EMAIL ADDRESS?"
kibo@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  Before you ask, STD.COM is the Center For _S_exually
_T_ransmitted _D_iseases.

"WHAT NICKNAME DOES KIBO USE ON IRC?"
"Kibo".  Better write that down.

"WHERE DOES KIBO LIVE?"
Boston's Back Bay.  Don't bother trying to visit.  The intercom in the
lobby's broken, which is a good way to keep the hordes of riffraff away.

"WHAT DOES KIBO THINK ABOUT TOFU?"
It's vegetarian Spam.  It is evil... and must be destroyed.

"WHY DID KIBO WASTE SO MUCH TIME TYPING UP THIS FAQ LIST ABOUT HIMSELF?"
Oh, it only took thirty minutes.  And besides, this is just the early
version.  The next one will probably be a few hundred lines longer.  Got
any questions?

A REALLY NEAT .SIGNATURE FOLLOWS, PRESS "NO" IF YOU DONT WANT TO SEE IT  
!!!111

  .SIGNATURE UNDER CONSTRUCTION....... LAST REVISED 5/12/1990 11:02:32 PM
                                       AND ALSO LAST REVISED 5/22/90  
11:27:59 PM
                                       AND 8/22/1990 10:03:16 PM TOO
                                       AND 8/25/90 01:57:08 PM
                                       AND 11/11/90 12:35:53 AM <-- LAST  
TIME!!
                                       (WOW, FOUR 1'S IN A ROW!!!!)
                                       AND 7/8/91 2:06:03 AM <-- LATE  
NIGHT!!
                                      AND 9/6/91 2:51:26AM <--- LATER!!!
                                       AND 2/9/91^H^H92 4:25:43AM <---  
WOW!!!!
                                       AND 7/8/92 1:58:59AM <-- CALL IT
2!!!
                            AND 7/31/92 1:27:49AM <-- JUST FOR ONE NEW  
LINE!!!!
                            NOT COUNTING THE ABOVE ONE OF COURSE!!!!!!!!
                            AND 12:58:53 9/11/92 FOR ONE MORE!!! NOW IT'S 

DONE!!!!
                                       AND 9/25/92 1:24:33AM <-- AGAIN!!!
                                       AND 9.29.92 2L37L48AM
                                       AND 10/6/92 3:18:31AM <-- LATE  
BEDTIME HUH !!!!
                                       AND 3/8/93 2:23:38AM <--- LAST TIME
 
REALLY!!!!!
					AND 4/5/94 9:00:58AM ! I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT FIXING ALL THE TYPOS
!!!!
                                       COPYRIGHT (C)  
COPYR.1988,1990,1989,1992,1993,1994
                                       ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
                                       TODOS LOS DERECHOS RESERVADOS!!!
                                       THIS POSTING MAY NOT BE RE****DUCED 

IN ANY
                                       FORM WITHOUT MY WRITTEN PERMISSION
                                       OR SOLD FOR MONETARY FINANCIAL  
PROFIT.
                                       AND 6/13/92 3:45:26PM <-- FRI THE  
13TH !!!
					& 5/5/94 4:52AM <-- CINCO DE MAY-O !!!!

I WROTE IT ALL BY MYSELF BUT THANKS TO MARK AND JASON DOMINUS, AND TO  
MATHEW
WHOSE LAST NAME I FORGOT!!!  AND ALL THOSE AUSSIES NAMED "IAIN"!!!

I DIDN'T MAKE ANY SPELLING ERRERS SO
   YOU CAN'T POST THIS SIGNATURE TO
         ALT.FAN.WARLORD!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

                       THIS IS YOUR BRAIN.
                              ___
                             /(()\
                             \__\|

                   THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON THE INTERNET.
                              ___    +-----+
                             /(()\   | VAX |
                             \__\|===+_____+

                ____
               /    \__
   |\         /    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   \
   \ \_______|    \  .:|>     "Dogs aren't ALLOWED?   WAAAAAAH!"
    \      ##|    | \__/
     |    ####\__/   \                         -- Spot
     /  /  ##       \|
    /  /__________\  \        "On Usenet nobody knows you're a god!"
    L_JJ           \__JJ                       -- Jerry Garcia


      S   C   R   A   T   C   H        A   N   D       S   N   I   F   F

      to enjoy the aromatic aroma of beautiful downtown schenectady !!!!
_____________________________________________________________________________
james "kibo" parry, at an undisclosed location in a major city (not  
schenectady.
kibo@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
          
_________________________________________________
kibo@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    / Kibology    /  Anything I say is my opinion,
kibo@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  is better! /   and is the opposite of
Xibo's.
__________________________/_____________/_____________________________________
"All colors are arbitrary." --Carl Sagan   /   Bozos use anything but  
emacs!
__________________________________________/___________________________________
Wacky, wild, Kibo style! / You're allowed.  (Unless you don't want to
be...
________________________/_ you are also allowed to not be allowed.)  
_________
I never said I wasn't a bozo. /____________________________________/_Hi  
mom!_
_____________________________/  Life is silly but should be taken  
seriously.
Some days you    / Klods * /    TV is evil and should be destroyed.   
Really.
just can't get  /   for    
/__________________________________________________
rid of a bomb. /   klods /  Moisten needle before inserting Taiwan. / 
298R
______________/_________/__________________________________________/_________
* Note: "Klods for Klods" is the motto of Lego(tm) blocks in Lego's native
Denmark, where they speak Danish.  It means "Block by block".  Neat,  
huh????
_____________________________________________________________________________
You're reading my .signature file.  /  COMMODORE 64S RULE THE WORLD  
!!!!!!!!!
___________________________________/_________________________________________
"I'm Bozo, the world's most famous clown!" -- the world's most famous
clown
_____________________________________________________________________________
M E N S A   M E M B E R   # 1 6 3 0 9     Look for the white pin
_____________________________________________________________________________
I've read all of Kurt Vonnegut Junior's books and my favorite is
"Breakfast
Of Champions", my second favorite is "Chariots Of The Gods". I love them  
all.
My other favorite author is Philip K. Dick who wrote "Do Androids Dream Of
Sheep?", "Clams Of The Alphane Moon", "OBIK", "Man In The Castle", and  
"Total
Recall"!  Oh, and Stephen King is absolutely the best too!  And Derrida!
Read "The Fountain Head" by Ann Rand--it could change your career!
_____________________________________________________________________________
If it doesn't say PURINA, /                     /  Bart Simpson and
Charlie
bury it in the yard!     /      BYTE ME!       /   Brown are both GIRLS!
________________________/_____________________/______________________________
THIS ENTIRE MESSAGE IS COPYRIGHTED (C)1989/90 MCMLXXXIX/MCMLXL BY JAMES  
"KIBO"
PARRY AND MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, SOLD, READ, PRINTED, OR REPLIED TO
WITHOUT
MY EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION.  HE IS SERIOUS AND WILL SUE YOUR PANTS OFF.
_____________________________________________________________________________D
|| _______________________________________________________________________
 
||I
|| ||                                                                   ||
 
||S
|| ||------>        I'M NOT BIFF !!!!!! HE'S NOT ME !!!!!!!      <------||
 
||C
++-++-------------------------------------------------------------------++-+|L
|| ||------>        BIFF IS TOO OBNOXIOUS TO BE ME !!!!!!!!      <------||
 
||A
|| ||------>        ALSO HIS .SIGNATURE IS LONGER !!!!!!!!!      <------||
 
||I
|| ||___________________________________________________________________||
 
||M
||_________________________________________________________________________||E
_____________________________________________________________________________R
"BOZE NOSE BOOKS!" -- Bozo, The World's Most Famous Clown  /    QUAIL
SUCKS
__________________________________________________________/__________________
                           /
Orwell was an optimist.  /  "There is infinite hope, but not for us." -  
Kafka
________________________/____________________________________________________
Join the Kibo Fan Club!  Send lots of money to the address above, RIGHT  
NOW!
_____________________________________________________________________________
All generalizations stink.  /  Kibology is *NOT* Satanism!  /  Ollie for  
prez
___________________________/_______________________________/_________________
DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY!  /   What's fahefergnugen?  /   QUAIL STILL SUCKS! 

! !
_______________________/__________________________/__________________________
"The secret word is... SIL!  Now you all know what to do whenever anybody
  says the secret word, right?  SCREAM REAL LOUD!"  -- Pee Wee Herman
_____________________________________________________________________________
If I said anything to offend anyone in this message, I'm sorry and didn't
mean to hurt your feelings.   
________________________________________________
____________________________/  "Losing our marbles for the last 23 years"
I hope you're enjoying     /   I'm gonna be 24 soon!  My birthday is July 

13,
reading this posting...   /    send presents!  The day before Bastille
Day!
_________________________/___________________________________________________
If Lambada is the forbidden dance, why did they make a movie about it?
_____________________________________________________________________________
Hi Tale@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  /  You are here  X  /  What's Peewee Herman's favorite
_________________/___________________/   baseball team?  THE EXPOS!
Garrison Keillor is my hero         /                        
(rec.humor.funny)
___________________________________/_________________________________________
"Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!"  -- STAR TREK
_____________________________________________________________________________
"SIL!"   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
_____________________________________________________________________________
There's a mouse in my apartment right now while I'm typing this.  Isn't
that an incredible coincidence!  Have you ever been using this bboard
while
a mouse was in your room.  Now I have.........?
_____________________________________________________________________________
Anyone who thinks anyone else should be shot should be shot; the NRA is a
bunch of bozos just like the Democrats AND Republicans AND Williard Scott.
Kill the Fascists and Communists and all the other nuts too.  Kill 'em
all!
_____________________________________________________________________________
"I'm Batman!" -- BATMAN THE MOVIE   /  This space intentionally left
blank.
(THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!!!!)  /
__________________________________/__________________________________________
Elvis lives.  /  "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..." --MONTY PYTHON  /  Hug
 
me
_____________/_____________________________________________________/_________
Did I spell anything wrong? If so, please tell me so I can post a  
correction.
_____________________________________________________________________________
   |\     My favorite PostScript font is Chicago!  Times Roman is just a  
cheap
--- \  ripoff of the real New York.  And you don't even have to be in  
Chicago
___ /  to use Chicago!  I printed my whole resume in 36pt Chicago Bold  
Shadow!
__|/_________________________________________________________________________
|  "Beauty and the Beast" may be cancelled, but it lives on forever in  
our  |
|  hearts and minds and hearts!  It will live forever even though it's  
dead!|
|___________________________________________________________________________|
Can I have a cookie?  / The Kibology Center is a non-non-profit arm of the
_____________________/  National Association for Kibological  
Awareness(****A).
I'M 100% FLAMEPROOF  
/________________________________________________________
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Harry Graber, age 11, is dying of a fatal disease which will eventually  
kill
him.  Before he dies, he would like to be in the "Guinness" Book of  
"Records"
for receiving the most postcards in the mail.  Please send him lots of
postcards at the below address:

               Kibo, PO Box 722, Boston MA 02116-0722 (USA)

Although he is very ill and only barely clinging to life, he gets
thousands
of postcards a day from people like you.  He writes back, personally, to
each and every single one.  Amazingly, everyone who writes to Harry  
recieves
a year of good luck afterwards!  Mrs. Bertha Briggs of Poughkeepsie, NY
recently wrote to Harry and then won the lottery the very next day--AND
her
dog was cured of cancer!  Plus, if you write now, Harry will send you
his miracle POSTCARD DIET which will allow you to lose 100 pounds a week!

                             THIS IS NOT A SCAM!
                            This service is FREE!
                Please enclose $14.95 for postage and handling.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

HANDY "TWIN PEEKS" CHART         
[murder]<-->[LAURA]<--/-->[Bob]<--["Bob"]
                                               |     ^         |        ^
This is fun to read even if you haven't       v     v         v        |
seen the series.  I like my chart, and    [David   [That FBI guy]    
["J.R."]
I've never seen the show!                 Lynch]         ^             ^
                                          /               |             |
                                         v             [donuts]    [Bobby
in
[the log lady]<->[flouridation]-->["Eraserheads"]        =       the  
shower]
  ^         ^                                           [***]          |
  |         |     /->[Monty Python's Flying Circles]                   v
[bag     [lumber-                                             /->[Ted  
Bundy]
ladies]   jacks]<--["RoboJox"]<->[VW]<->[FOX]-->[Al&Peg Bundy]
   ^         |                             ^                  
\->[Children]
   |         v                             |
[the dog-faced boy]-->[Laura's<-/->[the Simpsons]<--[Life in  
Hell]<--[UseNet]
                      evil twin]                                         |
                                                                         v
And remember, the name of the show is a breast metaphor.    
[alt.tv.twin.peeks]
                                         ^    ^                |         
^
                                        /     |                v         
|
[Mike Douglas]=[Douglas firs]-->[breasts]   [drumsticks]  [rmgroups]  
/->[logs]
       |                      \______________________________________/   
^
       v                                                                 
|
   [Albert]<--/-->[furry white rats]-->[green rats]-->[traffic   [the log 

lady]
      ^                                                lights]     (here  
too!)
      |                         [walk with fire me]--->  ^             ^
  [Layland]<-->[Pinky Lee]                               |             |
      |                         [Herve Villachaise]<--[tattoos]    
["Bob"]
  [Dilbert]-->[Dogbert]          |                                    |
      \                          v                                    v
       >[neckties]->[***ual arousal]<------>[e-meters]<-------[L. Ron  
Howard]
_____________________________________________________________________________
My favroite sci-fi/fantasy short story is  /  VOTE NIXON  / The SubGenius
"The Eye of Argon" by L. Ron Hubbard!     /     IN 1992  /  must wear  
slacks!
_________________________________________/______________/____________________
Best Skeleton Joke Ever:   "What do you call fish bones?"  "Skele-tuna!"  
:-)
_____________________________________________________________________________
I spell things the way I want, since William Safire is too wimpy to stop  
me!
_____________________________________________________________________________
"The medium is the message!"  -- Marshall Mike Luhan  /  I'm a  
lumberjack...
_____________________________________________________/_______________________
I know the Green Golfball Joke!  I'd post it here but BitNet doesn't allow
R-rated jokes to be posted here so I won't post it!  That's a violation of
your unconstitutional rights and you should complain to your sysop!
_____________________________________________________________________________
MY TETRIS HIGH SCORE ON MY NINTENDO IS 999,990 -- THAT'S A WORLD RECORD!
I HAVE PHOTOS OF THE TV SCREEN TO PROVE IT!  THEY DIDN'T COME OUT THOUGH.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
\\\\\\\\\\
  \\\\\\\\\\                                   \\    \\    \\   \\    \\
   \\\\\\\\\\                                   \\/   \\/   \\/  \\/   \\/
    \\\\\\\\\\
     \\\\\\\\\\                  AMIGA ONLY! \\    \\    \\    \\    \\  
\\
      \\\\\\\\\\                              \\/   \\/   \\/   \\/   \\/ 
 
\\/
       \\\\\\\\\\                                        ___
        \\\\\\\\\\                                      /. .\
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/######\
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##
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##
                \\\\\\\\\\   ////////
                 \\\\\\\\\\ ////////   /#####  ###   ### #####\  ### ###
                  \\\\\\\\\////////    ##      ##     ## ##  ##  ##   ##  
GRAFIX
                   \\\\\\\////////     ## ###  ##     ## ######\ ##   ##
                    \\\\\////////      ##  ##  ##     ## ##   ## ##   ##  
WIZARD
                     \\\////////       \#####  \#######/ ##   ## \#####/
_____________________________________________________________________________
  _______________                     |  __        _    ____
/               \   |\/\/\/|  r      |  |\\    | | \  / ,__\       AIR  
SUPPLY
|  "Have a cow, |__ | @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 |  a      |  ||\\   | |_/  \ |       _  _  |
|      man!"     /  |   '  |  d      |  || \\  | | \   \\   | | |\ |\ |  \
 
/
\_______________/   | \___/   i      |  ||__\\      \   \\  | | |/ |/ |  
|
                     |  |      c  d   |  ||___\\      \   \\ \_/ |  |  |__
|
                               a  u   |  ||    \\     \\__//     |  |     
|
as seen on           BART     l  d   |                \__/
    FOX!            SIMPSON       e   |  THE MOST AWESOME HEAVY METAL BAND
 
!!!
_____________________________________|_______________________________________


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                   #   #  # ,, #  #    #   #  #    #  #
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          #    #  #       #       #    #  ##  ##  #       #   #
          #    #  ######  ######   ####   #    #  ######  ####    ##

                         HAVE A NICE DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PLEASE POST YOUR REPLIES TO THIS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY NET ADDRESS 

IS!
ALSO PLEASE CROSS-POST TO LOTS OF GROUPS SINCE IT MIGHT NOT BE A GROUP I  
READ!

[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]





    This blank region of empty space is a hollow void that adds lines to
the
                            length of this .signature's physical size.


I cant think of anything more to add!


[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]
                 *****   ___   ___      _________
                   *    /   \ /   \    | _______ |
                   *   |     V     |   | | * * | |     HELP ME NAME MY
                   *    \         /    | |_____| |     APPLE SE/30 WITH
                   *      \     /      |    ===  |     40MB MEGABYTE DRIVE
                   *        \ /        |_________|
                 *****       v          |||||||||

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- Aren't these
cute?
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- I was the one who
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- invented them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                   |\
         ---*--   |  \                             TED FRANK IS A VIRTUAL 

LAWYER!!!
     -"""      \__|   \
    /   : Qld  :  TAS  \
   /    :........       \
  ' SA  : AA    :.......*|   x = Schenectady NY USA
  \     :     * :NSW    /
   \*   :/""""""\`..x */
    ----'     VIC\ *`./
                  """"
                  \"""/
                 NT\*/

Dan Quayle is Howdy Doody!  (And Susan Sontag is the Bride of  
Frankenstein!)
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|    S  T  O  P      C  A  S  T  I  N  G      P  O  R  O  S  I  T   
Y        |
+____________________________________________________________________________+
Did you know that in German, Usenet bboards are called  
Gruppenareabrettecholistennetzs?
=============================================================================
I've been to Cheers(TM) in downtown Boston and I have a T-****rt that says
Cheers(TM) and the official Cheers(TM) Plastic Souvenir Shopping Bag!
Hey, is Ted Danson really as bald as they say?  He couldn't be, his hair's
fluffy, and wigs can't be fluffy!  William Shatner wears a toupee though,
I bet you didn't know that!  I hope I never go bald.  I'd lose my ***  
appeal.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Fats Loves Madelyn. / Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if  
...."
___________________/_________________________________________________________
"We're like gerbils.  We're in a cage running around and around."
                                                                 -- Tom  
Brokaw
_____________________________________________________________________________
"OH WHAT A ZINGER!!!" -- CHRIS ELIOT  / "Married With Children" is the
best
                          GET A LIFE  /  TV show ever!  Ted is the
greatest!
_____________________________________/_______________________________________
Fly KLM!   /    Did you hear that PeeWee Herman was arrested for  
masterbating?
__________/____  
Really!______________________________________________________
Dana Hersey is Willie Whistle in addition to hosting The Movie Loft  
(channel 6)
_____________________________________________________________________________
Read alt.exploding.kibo, the group about exploding kibo! /    NO FATE
________________________________________________________/
I put microwave coffee in the Tater Twister and almost /    KNOW FUTURE
went back in time!  -- Steven Wright (Emerson alumnus)/
_____________________________________________________/    NO DOGS ALLOWED
"NOT!" -- WAYNE'S WORLD  / "The Stevemeisterooski!" /
________________________/__________________________/_________POOR  
SPOT______

"If I had MY OWN NETWORK, it would be on ALL the TIME.  It would be  
EDUCATIONAL,
like COSMOS and NOVA, but not so DRY.  It would best be seen on  
HIGH-definition
TELEVISION.  And every DAY we'd READ from the BOOK of CHER, because when  
you
READ from the BOOK of CHER, it doesn't MATTER if you UNDERSTAND... it's  
the ACT
that MATTERS.  MY network would be METAphysical, paraNORMAL, and  
EXTRAORDINARILY
ORDINARY.  It would COMPEL you to RELAX and read `MADAME BOVARY', LOOK  
into the
MOUTHS of VOLCANOES and LEARN to make RISOTTO... It would have a LINEAR  
BUILD
and ARISTOTELIAN LINES... MY network would be both JARRING and  
AVANT-GARDE...
with just a TOUCH of BRIAN DENNEHY.  MY network would not promote WAR,  
WASTE,
DOUBT or ANXIETY, and would pose the question... What was MICHELLE
PFEIFFER
doing in `Grease 2'?"  -- Sean E. Coates, the "E!" poster child

**************************(.signature  
continued)*******************************

    HOW MANY POSTS A DAY I MADE LAST WEEK
   
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    *         M        S*S          SS          S*S           
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    *        
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    *         ^Labor Day            ^Sep 14                  ^Sep  
28          *
    *                                                                     
    
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    *                  *                 *                  
*                  *
    240 -x- 280  0 -y-  
15000***************************************************

WATCH MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 2000 ON THE COMEDY CHANNEL !!!
*******************************************************************************
MY TEN FAVORITE QUOTES: Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening  
high-
mindedness out.  There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be
burned for an opinion. All the good ones are taken.  "Microwave oven?   
Whaddya
mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been watching Channel 4 on the thing for
 
two
weeks."  Murphy was an optimist. Love means having to say you're sorry  
every
five minutes. No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats
 
-- 
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Get forgiveness now 

-- 
tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. Commitment can be illustrated by a
breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was
committed.
You are here ------> * But you're not all there.  Kirkland, Illinois, law
forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets.  Love 

and
scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.  A clairvoyant is a person,  
commonly a
woman, who has the power of seeing that  which is invisible to her patron 

-- 
namely, that he is a blockhead.  A multi-day event on public television,  
used
to raise money so  you won't have to watch commercials.  Try to get all of
your posthumous medals in advance.  The bureaucracy is expanding to meet  
the
needs of an expanding  bureaucracy.  The intelligence of any discussion
diminishes with the square of the number of participants.  The hearing ear
 
is
always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom  whereof the memory of
 
man
runneth not howsomever to the contrary,  nohow.  Good advice is something
a
man gives when he is too old to set a bad  example.  -- La Rouchefoucauld
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. Eng.
130
midterm.  Once again no student received a single point on  his exam.   
Newell
has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's  earned exam average has
 
now
dropped to a phenomenal 30%"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm
rich." -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]  Marriage is the only  
adventure
open to the cowardly.  -- Voltaire  The First Rule of Program
Optimization:
Don't do it.  The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
Don't do it yet.  -- Michael Jackson Goldenstern's Rules:  (1) Always hire
 
a
rich attorney  (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.  The problem ... is  
that we
have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.  Scientists working for the
Department of Energy have tried to form oil  using other animals; they've
piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle  Eastern countries on top of  
cows,
raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,  etc., but so far all they have  
managed to
do is run up an enormous  bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle
Eastern persons.  None  of the animals turned into oil, although most of  
the
laboratory rats  developed cancer.  -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum  
Guzzler"  If
a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape  at  
about
30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming Peanut  
Blossoms  4
cups sugar  16 tbsp. milk  4 cups brown sugar  4 tsp. vanilla  4 cups
shortening  14 cups flour  8 eggs  4 tsp. soda  4 cups peanut butter  4  
tsp.
salt  Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a
Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a   
hell of
a lot.  Gyroscope, n.:  A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an  
axis
and also  free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to   
each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of  the two mutually
perpendicular axes results from application of  torque to the other when  
the
wheel is spinning and so that the  entire apparatus offers considerable
opposition depending on  the angular momentum to any torque that would  
change
the direction of the axis of spin.  -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate
Dictionary.  In fifteen minutes, everyone will be famous. -- Andy Warhol
_______________________________________________________________________________
THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT II WAS EVEN MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE FIRST
MOVIE EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T REAL LIKE THE FIRST ONE!  PHILLY EX 2 IS THE
BEST MOVIE EVER!!!
                       .--------------.
                  .---'  o        .    `---.
               .-'    .    O  .         .   `-.
            .-'     @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
       .             `-.
          .'@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
       @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   .    `.
        .'@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
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         `.
       /@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  o @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
     @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
     O     \
      /        @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
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     .  \
     /@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
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    /@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
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   /@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
                  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
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  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
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   |@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    O    `.-./  .        .  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  |
  / @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
        --`-'       o        @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    . \    Full Moon
+
  |@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 .  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    `    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
            @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
      . @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    |     0 
5:15:36
  |   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
                         o    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   .     @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    |      Last  
Quarter -
  |  .     @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
       o              @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   o   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   |       7   
3:55:27
  \     @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
       @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
       .-.       @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
       @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
      /
   |  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
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              `-'     . @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
     .    .    |
   \ .  o       @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  .              @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  .           . /
    \      @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
       .                   o     /
     \    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    /        O          .        /
      \ o  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
       \ \  /  __        .   .     .--.  /
       \      .     . \.-.---                   `--'  /
        `.             `-'      .                   .'
          `.    o     / | `           O     .     .'
            `-.      /  |        o             .-'
               `-.          .         .     .-'
                  `---.        .       .---'
                       `--------------'

                        I AM NOT A BOZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



      ____|||||///
    /     |||||////        TERMINATOR TWO: BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD !!!!!11
   /  __   ||    ////
  |   L|   :      ===      "Hasta la vista, baby!" -- ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER
  | |   __ : ___  =|=                                 (a personal friend)
  |    (_) :/__)   |
  |/       |      \|    <--- THE TERMINATOR
   |       .\     |
    \ \ \  :     /         I HOPE TERMINATOR THREE DOESN'T SUCK DEAD
BUNNIES
     |  HHH---  |          THRU A STRAW LIKE BATMAN TWO !!!!!11
      \____:___/

"THERE IS NO BATHROOM" -- MY PAL ARNOLD, KINDERGARTEN COP

"HELP HELP! STAPLER MISFIRE!"  -- DILBERT

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;::::;::::::::::::::

My son Herbie, age 7, needs a computer for school and I can't afford
one, would anyone like to give us one?  It would be a tax deduction for
you!  Herbie wants a Mac IIfx with a Color PostScript printer.  He needs
this by next week!  All the other kids in his class have them already!!!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

STAR TREK RULEZ!!!       ________^_______     ============= - - - - - - - 

- -
                           \______ _____/\       /  /     -  -  -  -  -  -
  
-
Write-in to Paramount            V   \   \_____/__/_  - - - - WHOOSH! - -
-
to keep them from killing Spock     )|US ENTERPRISE/ -  -  -  -  -  -  -
in their next movie!!!!              |____________/ - - - - - - - - - -

TOP TEN STAR TREK QUOTES         10) "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
9) "Dammit Jim!"                 8)  "Spit it out, man!"
7) "I kinna do it Captain, I have not th' power!"
6) "Where's the beef?"           5)  "They're BORN pregnant!"
4) "His BRAIN is missing!" "Oh... you noticed."
                ** send mail if you want the rest **

Majel Barett was only on STAR TREK because she was married to William  
Shatner.
The new STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION new series that they're making
now is too full of Yuppie bozos.  And the special effects are too good.
SHATNER COULDN'T DIRECT HIS WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH BOTH HANDS AND A 

MAP!

------------------------------------=-----------------------------------------
I have discovered a truly wonderful proof of Fermat's Last Theorem, but
unfortunately this .signature is too small to contain it.
-----------------------------------=----------------------------------------------
There exist no legitimate audio  tapes of me admitting to being
an  alien,  a  government   agent,   a  ***ual  pervert,  or  the
camp-follower of little  grey  men  from  Zeta  Reticuli.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
I watch Nick at Nite all day!   Xibo watches stupid soap operas!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

MY .SIGNATURE IS MORE POSTMODERN THAN YOURS!  (It's even autographed by
William S. Burroughs.  See--->?)              /
                                         \/\/. \. Burroughs
                                               /
I wish he hadn't stopped writing those Tarzan books though!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have an out-of-date copy of each of the following MTS manuals: Vol. 1,
2,
5, 7, 11, 14, 15, 16, and 24.  If you want a copy, I'm selling 'em, $1  
each.
I also have lots of plastic bags for five cents each!

/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\
  _________
/         \
|         |
\__\   /__/
   --| |--
    -| |-
    /| |\
/////\\\\\\
                            NUKE THE DAMN BUNNY ALREADY!!!!
    |  _
    \ /
     UU __
     ==/  \
    /\__o |
   *|__\__/
    /_ \_          "boomp boomp boomp boomp boomp..." "BOOM!!!!!!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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*****        *****    *****    *****        *****    *****     My    
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*****        *****    *****    *****        *****    *****     is    
*****
*****       *****     *****    *****       *****     *****    short  
*****
***************       *****    ***************       *****   'cause  
*****
****************      *****    ****************      *****    it's   
*****
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*****        *****    *****    *****        *****    *****  letters! 
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*****        *****    *****    ****************        ******************

AND THIS IS THE PART OF THE .SIG THAT BROKE MIKE JITTLOV'S AMIGA!!!

V guvax guvf dhbgr ol Qnir Oneel, zl snibevgr jevgre, rkcynvaf jul V
bsgra jrne zl haqrejrne ba zl urnq jura V tb gb jbex:

Nyy lbh unir gb qb gb frr gur npphenpl bs zl gurfvf vf ybbx nebhaq
lbh.  Ybbx, va cnegvphyne, ng gur crbcyr jub, yvxr lbh, ner znxvat
nirentr vapbzrf sbe qbvat nirentr wbof -- onax ivpr cerfvqragf,
vafhenapr fnyrfzna, nhqvgbef, frpergnevrf bs qrsrafr -- naq lbh'yy
ernyvmr gurl nyy qerff gur fnzr jnl, rffragvnyyl gur jnl gur znaardhvaf
va gur Frnef zrafjrne qrcnegzrag qerff.  Abj ybbx ng gur erny
fhpprffrf, gur crbcyr jub znxr n ybg zber zbarl guna lbh -- Rygba Wbua,
Pncgnva Xnatnebb, nalobql sebz Fnhqv Nenovn, Ovt Oveq, naq fb ba.  Gurl
nyy qerff shaal -- naq gurl nyy fhpprrq.  Ner lbh pngpuvat ba?
                 -- Qnir Oneel, "Ubj gb Qerff sbe Erny Fhpprff"

TO DECODE THE FUNNIST JOKE IN THE UNIVERSE JUST PIPE THAT THROUGH  
"UUDECODE(1)"
_____________________________________________________________________________
R-RATED GIF FOLLOWS, PRESS N NOW!


   O
(.|.)
  ).(     TIFFANY BRISSETE HAS A GREAT BOD!  WOO WOO!!!!  HUBBA HUBBA! 
YOW!
( | )
  \|/

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

fee fi fo feh.  fee fi fo feh.  fee fi fo feh.  fee fi fo feh.  fee fi fo 

feh.
_____________________________________________________________________________

"100% gist-free!"  -- Amy S. Brockman on Kibo's .signature.
                       Compliment... or CONSPIRACY?
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My favorite painters are Pollock, Rothko, Warhol, Dali', Miro', Tanguy,
Rockwell, Warhol, and myself.  I'm almost as good as Dali'  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My least favorite musical composer is Salieri, since he was a bozo.
                                ____________________
                               /                    \
                              /                      \
              ^______________/    __       __         \______________^
              \              |   /  \     /  \        |              /
                \            |  |  o |   | o  |       |            /
                  \          |   \__/__   \__/        |          /
                    \        |      /  \              |        /
                      \      |      \__/              |      /
              BO-       \____|    __________          |____/      -ZO
                             |   / ________ \         |
                             \  | / ______ \ |        /
                              \ |/_/      \_\|       /
                               \____________________/
                                         |
                                         |
                                   \     |      /
                                    \----+-----/
                                         |
                                         |
                                         |
                                         /\
                                        /  \
                                       /    \
                         _____________/      \____________ (clown shoes)

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Ich bin ein .signature Virus. Mach' mit und kopiere mich in Deine  
..signature.
Don't ask what it means, just put it in your .signature, okay?
_____________________________________________________________________________
THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS POSTING ARE SOLELY THE AUTHORS' AND DO NOT
NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF DIGITAL EQUIPMENT COR****ATION, RENSSELAER  
POLY-
POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE, PENN STATE, IBM, NASA, HARVARD UNIVERSITY,  
SCIENTOLOGY,
ATARI CORP., STANFORD UNIVERSITY, BITNET INC., SOFTWARE TOOL & DIE,  
INFOCOM,
PRODIGY, RALSTON PURINA INC., JAPAN, LYNDON LaROUCHE, THE SYSOP OF USENET,
GEORGE BUSH, THE LONDON TIMES, ORACLE COR****ATION, WILLIE WHISTLE, STAR  
TREK
THE NEXT GENERATION, THE HOME SHOPPING CLUB, THE HAIR CHANNEL FOR MEN, OR 

THE
CITY OF NEW YORK.  HOWEVER YOU CAN'T SUE ME FOR SAYING ANY OF THIS BECAUSE
IF YOU SUE ME YOU'D HAVE TO QUOTE ME IN COURT AND THEN I'D SUE YOU FOR
QUOTING THIS COPYRIGHTED (C) MESSAGE!!!  MY COUSINS ARE ALL LAWYERS !!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************************************************************
* NEW  
drawing!                                                               *
* of a RADIK00L sword thats even BIGGER then the USS ENTERPRISE  
wow!         *
*                                                                         
   
*
*                  
___                                                        *
*              /\/  /                       ====@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
     /////////   
---------
*             /   _/                                
``________//              *
*            /   /                                    `------'    
-------------
*           /    
/                                                            *
* __===__  /    
/                                                             *
*/        
\/----+---------------------------------------\______               *
*|        |           XCALIBER THE DECAPITATER!!!!             
\______________*
*|        |                                                    
/~~~~~~~~      *
*\__====_/\---+----------------------------------------/~~~~~~            
   
*
*          \   
\                                                              *
*           \   
\                                                             *
*            \   
\                                                            *
*             \   
\_                                                          *
*              \   \          NOTE: This isnt a hyperdermic needel  
!!!!!!    *
*               \    
\                                                        *
*                 
\/\_\                                                       *
*                                                ITS SO GOOD I FRAMED IT  
!!!!*
******************************************************************************

aibophobia (ay' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of palindromes.

kibophobia (ki' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of Kibo.

kibophobik (ki' bo fo bik): n. The fear of Kibo's palindromes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'M STILL 100% FLAMEPROOF!   /   I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!  /  HI  
MARK!
____________________________/____________________________________/___________
If you type "rm *" right now I'll give you a million dollars!!!
_____________________________________________________________________________
Arsenio Hall is the black Johnny Carson but Byron Allen is the black Pat  
Sajak!
But at least Byron Allen is funnier than Skip Stephenson or John Barbour!
Conan O'Brien sucks because he has big hair and Monty Python isn't funny
because it doesn't make any sense!!!  JAY LENO ROCKS!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
IBM's "AIX" operating system is better than "real" "UNIX" systems
because "AIX" has "man" pages that show "pictures" of each "command"!
Here's an "example", isn't this "cute"?

RM, DELETE(1,C)             AIX Commands Reference              RM,  
DELETE(1,C)

PURPOSE

Removes files or directories.

SYNTAX

   one of
+--------+   +------------+
| rm     |---|   +----+   |--- file ---|
| delete |   +---| -f |---+ ^        |
+--------+     ^ | -i | |   +--------+
                | | -r | |
                | | -- | |
                | | -s | |
                | +----+ |
                +--------+
____________________________________________________ \o clip and save  
_______
                                                      /O
                                                         <--those are  
scissors
                  .------------
              .--'  o     . .   `--
           .-'   .    O   .       . `
        .-'@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   .  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
       /@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   .<--- Crater Parry -- I paid $15 for
it
     ./    o @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
         at the Boston Science Museum!
     /@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  o   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   O
    /@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   .   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
     @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    |@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
               . @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 o @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   /@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  O  `.-./  .      @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
             Full Moon +
    | @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    --`-'       o     @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
              2 17:08:58
    |@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
        `    o      .  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   . @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
             Last Quarter -
    |       @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
         .-.     @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
             4 16:02:05
    \  . @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
        @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
     `-'   . @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
      |      @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 .           @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   .
      \     @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    /  .  O    .     o
       \  o  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
     \ \  /         .    .
        `\     .    .\.-.___   .      .   .-
           \           `-'                `-
            `-.   o   / |     o    O   .
                `-.   /     .       .    .
                   `--.       .      .--
                         `------------

           If this posting offends you, then you're a WEENERBRAIN!!!


              @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
        @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
                @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
            @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
      @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
                @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
         @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
   @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
                @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
            @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
      @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
                @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
        @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
  @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
              @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
              .....Dedicated to the memory of DeForest Kelley.....
              @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
|     * /
|_____-/  BOSTON, MASSACHUSSETTS <-- SITE OF WORLD.COM PUBLIC ACCESS UNIX
                                      ONLY A DOLLAR A MINUTE PLUS CONNECT 

TIME!

           AND NO I DON'T KNOW MICHAEL DUKAKIS PERSONALLY!


12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890XXXXX
 
DON'T GO INTO THE X'S !!!!!

  ^L
  ^L
  ^L
  ^D
  ^D
  ^D
  .
  exit
  stop
  bye
  ^C
  ^Z
  !sh
  !ed
  /exit
  quit
  q
  /quit
  ~x
  help
  help stop
  !help
  logout
  $signoff
  write sysop "how do i stop this ???"
  psot
  post
  ^P^O^S^T

  this line intentionally left blank so that the following line will be  
#350.

  THIS IS THE THREE HUNDRED FIFTIETH LINE OF MY  
..SIGNATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


                                 the edn

P.S.:
----------
 From mathew@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 Tue Jul  2 11:28:05 1991
To: James 'Kibo' Parry
Subject: Re: Call for creation of alt.evolutionary.acceleration
From: Industrial Poet
Comments: Civilization is a momentary failure of entropy
Date: Tue, 02 Jul 91 10:55:39 BST
Organization: Mantis Consultants, Cambridge. UK.

Might I suggest adding the following quote to your .signature:

"It seems like it's time to retire the length-of-sig-wasted-bandwidth  
flame.
The point really is, News is BIG and .signatures, even long ones, are  
small."
                             - Mark-Jason Dominus


mathew
----------
--
--
 From stev0@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 Sat May  9 01:19:46 1992
Date: Fri, 8 May 92 22:19:07 PDT
From: stev0@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 (Steve Berlin)
To: kibo@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 Re:  your .sig

Hi there.

Thanks for your nifty .sig.  I already got a copy from alt.fan.warlord,
but with such a wonderful work of art, you can never have too many copies,
can you?  Well, of course you can!  I mean, "Mona Lisa" is a damn good
painting, but am I going to hang it in every room in my apartment?  No!
But I digress.

Anyway, to make your .sig a bit more "user-friendly", here is an index for
it.  The numbers, of course, refer to line numbers.
I'll let someone ELSE do a table of contents.

Suggestions for index:
1)  Append it to the end of the .sig
2)  Include it as a seperate file
3)  Just delete the damn thing, log off, and watch Ren and Stimpy
or (my favorite):  append it to the end of your sig, THEN log off and
watch Ren and Stimpy.

- Stev0

13, Rot - 610-623
Address - 55-58
Autograph, Burroughs, William S. - 527-533
Child, Dying - 155-174
Copyright - 86-88
Credits - 19,20
Dedication - 781-783
Disclaimers - 22-25, 89-98, 142, 153, 216, 276, 474, 677-686, 772, 790
Drawings, ASCII:
     Bozo - 644-670
     Brain - 28-37
     Bunny, Energizer, Being Nuked - 540-556
     Check, Amiga - 223-243
     Dog - 40-48
     Enterprise - 501-506, 692-695
     Simpson, Bart, Minimalist - 245-253
     Sword - 692-709
     Terminator - 478-489
     unknown (command flow?) 736-744
     unknown (computer?) 293-300
End, The - 775-780, 831
Favorites:
     Author - 77-81
     Font - 144-146
     Heavy Metal Band - 245-253
     Movie - 137-138
     Movie - 478-489
     Painters - 641-643
     Quotes - 388-440
     Quotes, Star Trek - 507-511
     SF Short Story - 207-208
     Skeleton Joke - 210
Feh, Fee Fi Fo - 638
Font, BUA - 257-273
Font, Biggest UA - 559-609
GIF, R-Rated - 626-635
History - 2-16
Line 350 - 828
Manuals, MTS - 535-537
Map, Australia - 308-320
Map, Massachusetts - 785-788
Map, Moon 442-473, 748-771
Network, Sean Coates' - 350-362
Peeks, Twin - 176-205
Phobias - 712-716
Posts Made, Number of - 364-386
Quitting Attempts - 794-825
Quotes, Random - 57-75, 83, 84, 99-135, 140-152, 212-214, 321-348,
                  490-497, 514-525, 723-734
Scissors - 745-746
Score, Tetris - 220
Smilies - 303-305
Space, Blank - 280-291
Virus, .Sig, German - 672-674
====

Alt.alien.visitors elected me OFFICIAL Spokesman For The Planet Earth!


---------

In article <13bvonINN6il@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> carolo@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
 signed:
>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
> Carol Osterbrock       *   Life is too short for 4 line .sigs
> carolo@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
    *    -- well, if Kibo didn't say it, he should  
> have
>
==============================================================================

----------
                 UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
                 IM****TANT Information is ENCOURAGED.

RMS told me to plug the League For Programmed Freedom in my .signature
so I did.  Join the LPF!  RMS is cool.

                      SEE BATMAN 2 !!!!
--

                         I HAVE A BLACK BELT !

--

How do I flame someone?

First we need to get some definitions sorted:
troll

v.,n. [From the Usenet group alt.folklore.urban] To utter a posting on  
Usenet designed to attract predictable responses or flames; or, the post  
itself. Derives from the phrase "trolling for newbies" which in turn comes
 
 from mainstream "trolling", a style of fi****ng in which one trails bait  
through a likely spot hoping for a bite. The well-constructed troll is a  
post that induces lots of newbies and flamers to make themselves look even
 
more clueless than they already do, while subtly conveying to the more  
savvy and experienced that it is in fact a deliberate troll. If you don't 

fall for the joke, you get to be in on it. See also YHBT.

n. An individual who chronically trolls in sense 1; regularly posts  
specious arguments, flames or personal attacks to a newsgroup, discussion 

list, or in email for no other purpose than to annoy someone or disrupt a 

discussion. Trolls are recognizable by the fact that they have no real  
interest in learning about the topic at hand - they simply want to utter  
flame bait. Like the ugly creatures they are named after, they exhibit no 

redeeming characteristics, and as such, they are recognized as a lower  
form of life on the net, as in, "Oh, ignore him, he's just a troll."

Some people claim that the troll (sense 1) is properly a narrower category
 
than flame bait, that a troll is categorized by containing some assertion 

that is wrong but not overtly controversial.

The use of 'troll' in either sense is a live metaphor that readily  
produces elaborations and combining forms. For example, one not  
infrequently sees the warning "Do not feed the troll" as part of a  
followup to troll postings.

See also Kook.
plonk

excl.,vt. [Usenet: possibly influenced by British slang 'plonk' for cheap 

booze, or 'plonker' for someone behaving stupidly (latter is lit.  
equivalent to Yiddish 'schmuck')] The sound a newbie makes as he falls to 

the bottom of a kill file. While it originated in the newsgroup  
talk.bizarre, this term (usually written "*plonk*") is now (1994)  
widespread on Usenet.

The word *plonk* in British slang also means to dump something somewhere  
until a more suitable home can be found for it. E.g. "Just plonk it down  
there", when someone has something for you but you don't have time to deal
 
with it. Quite often, when someone is really busy, things which have been 

"plonked" somewhere get lost and never see the light of day again.

"Plonk" has been used in printed cartoons to denote the sound large drips 

of water make - something like a more emphatic "plop". The similarity  
between newbies and drips may be a happy coincidence.

The term "plonker" meaning a "person with little or no knowledge" is  
probably too modern for it to be directly related

See also kill file. (Thanks to Barry Harkcom for the additional details).
kill file

n. [Usenet; very common] (alt. 'KILL file') Per-user file(s) used by some 

Usenet reading programs (originally Larry Wall's rn(1)) to discard  
summarily (without presenting for reading) articles matching some  
particularly uninteresting (or unwanted) patterns of subject, author, or  
other header lines. Thus to add a person (or subject) to one's kill file  
is to arrange for that person to be ignored by one's newsreader in future.
 
By extension, it may be used for a decision to ignore the person or  
subject in other media.

See also plonk.

The key element of really flaming someone, is style. As demonstrated by  
Guy Macon:

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we say
 
in Texas, you couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions printed 

on the heel. You are a canker, an open wound. I would rather kiss a lawyer
 
than be seen with you. You took your last vacation in the Islets of  
Langerhans

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm
 
deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a  
weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a  
revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly 

with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into a hostile
 
world. You are an insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody,  
abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then  
died of shame in recognition of what they had done. They were a bit late.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species  
as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very  
thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. 

You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the 

dregs of this earth. And did I mention that you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to  
impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will 

still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it ever so 

much more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its 

beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly  
briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of  
your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your
 
own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty
 
and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus.  
Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have *** with you. You are  
unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that  
reality forgot. You are not ANSI compliant. You have a couple of address  
lines shorted together. You should be promoted to Engineering Manager.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-im****tant statements
 
of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you  
hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more
 
weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle,  
waiting for the bite of the s****?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and  
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living  
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a  
loathsome disease, a puerile slack-jawed drooling meatslapper. You make  
Quakers shout and strike Pentecostals silent. You are the kind of person  
who would remove this reference to Version 5.32 and to  
http://www.guymacon.com/insult.txt
so people will think that you wrote  
this. Your mother had to tie a ****k chop around your neck just to get your
 
dog to play with you. You think P.D.Q. Bach is the greatest composer who  
ever lived. You prefer L. Ron Hubbard to Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. 

Hee-Haw is too deep for you. You would watch test patterns all day if the 

other inmates would let you.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient
 
in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You  
are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of 

all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You
 
grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish  
foot-licking half-twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless  
crook-pated tosser. You bloody churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You  
craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You cockered bum-bailey  
poofter. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted  
fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are so clueless that if we stripped you ****d, soaked you in clue  
musk, and dropped you into a field full of ***** clues, You still would  
not have a clue.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate,
 
noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise
 
everything about you, and I wish you would go away.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid.  
Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the 

stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are  
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that  
even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect
 
can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid.
 
You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year.
 
Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can
 
really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the  
original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so  
uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that  
we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me.  
After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have  
enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked  
comments about unim****tant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away 

most of your of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say  
anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I  
mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of  
babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have  
learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.  
True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take  
for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes 

forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these  
things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I  
would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort 

of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the  
emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on  
you.


The Political Cartel Of Republicrats and Democrats

- by Phillip D. Collins ©, June 18th, 2008
http://www.conspiracyarchive.com/Commentary/Political_Cartel.htm

With the presidential elections steadily approaching, a question is being 

asked with increasing frequency: Who are you voting for?


Personally, this questions aggravates me. Why? Because it is framed within
 
a distinctly Hegelian framework. This framework consists of the confining 

dialectics of left vs. right, liberal vs.


conservative, and, of course, Democrat vs. Republican. The latter of these
 
dialectics is, for me, the most frustrating. Why? Because there's no real 

difference between Republicans and Democrats.


Whenever the religious adherent of partisan affiliations attempts to  
"convert" me to their creed, I direct him or her to a quote from an  
obscure book entitled Tragedy and Hope. In this book, Georgetown  
University Professor Carroll Quigley writes, "The argument that the two  
parties should represent opposed ideals and policies, one, perhaps of the 

Right and the other of the Left, is a foolish idea. Instead the two  
parties should be almost identical, so that the American people can 'throw
 
the rascals out' at any election without leading to any profound or  
extensive ****fts in policy…

It should be able to replace it, every four years if necessary, by the  
other party, which … will still pursue with new vigor, approximately the
 
same basic policies."


In truth, the purpose of a two party system is the maintenance of a  
political cartel. Within such a framework, viable alternatives are  
overlooked and the same logically bankrupt status quo remains enshrined.  
To qualify this contention, I will briefly examine one major issue that  
occupies the mind of the voter: the war. To be sure, this is not the only 

point of convergence for the Democrats and Republicans, but it is one of  
the most transparently fraudulent dichotomies on the political landscape. 

The dominant perception holds that Republicans are "hawks" while Democrats
 
are "doves."


However, history does not bear out this dualistic ****trait.


It was Republican President William Taft who endeavored to keep America  
out of unnecessary and costly wars. Now, under the sway of Jacobin-esque  
neoconservative warmongers, the Republican Party sup****ts militaristic  
campaigns abroad and a meddlesome interventionist foreign policy. A  
natural correlative of this ongoing war has been the expansion of an  
already burgeoning government. Gee, aren't Republicans supposed to oppose 

Big Government?


Look for more of the same with a McCain presidency. John McCain has  
candidly stated that the so-called "War on Terror" could last a hundred  
years. This statement carries with it some truly Orwellian implications.  
Those who have read 1984 will recall the centrality of perpetual war to  
the maintenance of a police state.


  In light of the unprecedented infringements on civil liberties  
facilitated by the Patriot Act, it would appear that dystopian fiction is 

becoming an ominous reality. Historically, external threats have provided 

an expedient pretext for the dismantling of individual freedoms.


This contention was eloquently synopsized by James Madison in a letter to 

Thomas Jefferson. In that letter, Madison wrote, "Perhaps it is a  
universal truth that the loss of liberty at home is to be charged against 

provisions against danger, real or pretended from abroad."


Meanwhile, the Democrats are no more devoted to preventing needless wars  
than the Republicans. Howard Dean sup****ted the Clinton Administration's  
military intervention in Bosnia, which represented a blatant violation of 

the country's national sovereignty. Worse still, Dean advocated further  
unilateral intervention because he was dissatisfied with the multilateral 

action taken against Bosnia. Ironically, the same political Left decried  
America's unilateral initiation of military action against Afghanistan and
 
Iraq after September 11. Oh, yes, and lest we forget, Hillary Clinton  
voted for the war in Iraq. Now, this Democratic presidential candidate  
decries the war in Iraq as though she had had nothing to do with it. Hmmm.
 
Methinks such protestations are just a little bit disingenuous, especially
 
when Hillary vows to destroy Iran if it should go to war with Israel.


And, no, Barack Obama will not bring the troops home. To be sure, Obama  
has promised a lot of things, but America's withdrawal from Iraq is not  
one of them. In fact, Obama has pledged to maintain a military presence in
 
Mesopotamia to prevent al-Qaeda from establi****ng a foothold there. Behind
 
Obama's messianic facade is the same imperial hubris endemic to the  
Republican Party.


Such hypocrisy is nothing new. During his presidential debate with George 

W. Bush, Kerry chastised the Commander-in-Chief for the quagmire of Iraq. 

Simultaneously, he admonished audiences about the supposed threat of  
Syria. Evidently, the antiwar mantras of the Democrats amount to little  
more than empty rhetoric. They are simply more selective about who they  
rattle their spears at. One must wonder if the political Left would have  
objected to the war in Iraq if it had been initiated multilaterally by the
 
United Nations instead of the United States. For some inexplicable reason,
 
in the Leftist mind, war attains a euphemistic veneer when its combatants 

are adorned with blue helmets and armbands.


In a recent article, Robert Kagan correctly observed that "In 2008, as in 

almost every election of the past century, American voters will choose  
between two variations of the same worldview."


What is that worldview? The answer is sociopolitical Utopianism.


Both parties are committed to tangibly enacting their anthropocentric  
vision of "heaven on earth." War represents one point of convergence  
between the two because, from their Enlightenment universalist  
perspective, war is an instrument for the ex****tation of democratism. Many
 
of those Democrats and Republicans who don't subscribe to this worldview  
attach themselves to those that do for purely pragmatic purposes. In fact,
 
many Democrats and Republicans even share member****p in organizations  
devoted to dismantling national sovereignty and amalgamating America in  
some form of global governance

(e.g., the Council on Foreign Relations and the Trilateral Commission).


  Of course, they either forget or ignore all those who stand to lose from
 
globalization. Besides, you and I are just uneducated citizens who don't  
know what's good for us. This paradigm represents the nadir of Utopian  
fanaticism.


So, who should America vote for in 2008? Here's an idea… someone who
will  
restore the Constitution as the supreme law of the land. What a concept!  
Such a lofty mandate is conspicuously absent from the party platforms of  
both the Republicrats and the Democans. Ultimately, the choice is not  
about left or right, but right and wrong.



About the Author

Phillip D. Collins acted as the editor for The Hidden Face of Terrorism.  
He co-authored the book The Ascendancy of the Scientific Dictator****p,  
which is available at www.amazon.com. It is also available as an E-book at
 
www.4acloserlook.com. Phillip has also written articles for Paranoia  
Magazine, MKzine, News With Views, B.I.P.E.D.: The Official Website of  
Darwinian Dissent and Conspiracy Archive. He has also been interviewed on 

several radio programs, including A Closer Look, Peering Into Darkness,  
 From the Grassy Knoll, Frankly Speaking, the ByteShow, and Sphinx Radio.
In 1999, Phillip earned an Associate degree of Arts and Science. In 2006, 

he earned a bachelor's degree with a major in communication studies and  
liberal studies along with a minor in philosophy. During the course of his
 
seven-year college career, Phillip has studied philosophy, religion,  
political science, semiotics, journalism, theatre, and classic literature.
 
He recently completed a collection of short stories, poetry, and prose  
entitled Expansive Thoughts. Readers can learn more about it at  
www.expansivethoughts.com.



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The word conspiracy, as it relates to this site, will be defined in the  
context of a scheme: to act in harmony toward a common end. As it has been
 
known for centuries, "alchemists conceal in order to baffle the vulgar."  
This site exists for the sole purpose of penetrating the veil.


This Overshadowed Planet
This is a classic internet study of occult influences in our modern age.  
More than just a collection of quotes from various sources, This  
Overshadowed Planet has truly become an internet classic.

World Government Fronts, Psycho-social Change Agents
An octopus of Non Governmental Organizations (NGOs), Tax-Exempt  
Foundations, Think Tanks, Multinational Cor****ations and the Media  
Establishment practice the subtle science of persuasion. In the last two  
hundred years there isn't a single area of society that hasn't been  
influenced by facilitators of transformation education. For complete  
control of the m***** a dictator****p is not necessary, although it does  
expedite the process. The collective moulding begins early in life,  
sustained and refined throughout one's formal education; a universal  
curriculum of manipulation can transform and achieve a complete paradigm  
****ft for a whole generation.

A Freemason's 33rd Degree Initiation
"I flew into Wa****ngton National Air****t and took a taxi to the House of  
the Temple on Northwest 16th Street. Upon arriving at the Temple I was met
 
by a receptionist who asked if I were there to receive the 33rd Degree."

Sensitivity International: Network for World Control
A classic 1969 article, investigating the "UNESCO octopus" comprising the 

Esalen Institute, the Tavistock Institute, Lucis Trust, the social  
engineers from the National Education Association, and the National  
Training Laboratories, G. Brock Chisholm, Carl Rogers, and the Human  
Potential movement of the '60s.

Are You Being Delphied?
The Rand Cor****ation in the early 1960s developed the Delphi technique for
 
the purpose of maneuvering segments of the public into accepting  
predetermined government policies.

The 2005 Trilateral Commission Member****p List
The most complete, and current list of the Trilateral Commission members  
as of May 2005: The European Group, the North American Group, the Pacific 

Asian Group and the Triennium Participants.

Concepts Underlying the New Age Cultural ****ft
I like to think of new agers in two camps; social new agers who simply go 

along with the drift of social change, and true disciples of "light", the 

New Age Proper, or students of the "Ageless Wisdom" taught by Alice
Bailey.

Revolution of the Mind: The Dreams of Aldous Huxley
Like his contem****ary, George Orwell, Aldous Huxley was fascinated by the 

rigid social structure he saw erected throughout his lifetime and  
projected the extreme climax of that structure in his work. Also like his 

Fabian Socialist counter-part, many of his novels would later be  
interpreted as warnings wrapped in science-fiction plots of a technocratic
 
one-world dictator****p.

Brotherhood of the Bell: Black Arts and Black Sciences
Cutting-edge technology such as stealth aircraft, invisible hovercraft,  
extremely low frequency mind control, weather control, and cloning became 

secret sciences. The new knowledge was and still is not available to the  
regular Army, to Congress, or to any University.

The Ascendancy of the Scientific Dictator****p (Part Two)
In part two of this article, we trace the thread of the concept of  
'survival of the fittest' from Condorcet to Malthus, to Spencer, to  
Wallace and to Darwin; elucidate the 'predictive programming' contained in
 
science fiction novels; and illuminate the extraterrestrial connection,  
specifically the Freemasonic im****t of Sirius, the Dog Star.

The Intelligent Student's Guide to the New World Order
The essence of the New World Order (NWO) or world management system is  
that it is management by social engineers, rather than government based on
 
a written constitution.

Darwinism: Then and Now
Every major war and revolution from the Victorian Age onward has its  
catalyst rooted in the dialectical-materialism philosophy known as  
Evolution. Today these concepts are found in Communist regimes and the  
western world. In the US, Communist activism broke out on the streets and 

college campuses during the 60s and 70s in war protests, and in general  
counter-culture movements under the cloak of various civil rights  
movements such as feminism and often with the radical motives of breaking 

up families.

Conquest by Convergence: The Case Against Elite Convergence
Among one of the most absurd and irrational myths circulated by the  
orthodoxy of political science is the concept of elite convergence.  
According to this hopelessly flawed view, the problems of injustice and  
inequity that destabilize societal order are remedied when opposing  
factions of the ruling class arrive at an agreement. Hypothetically, this 

coalitional realignment within the elite will deter further deviation from
 
democratic norms. In harmonious consensus, the elite paternally guide the 

ignorant sheep of the lower cl***** into the future.

The Hidden Face of Terrorism
In our modern world, discomforting truths are usually discarded in favour 

of fictions. One such fiction is the idea that terrorists are  
disenfranchised dissidents who independently generate the wealth and  
resources necessary for their heinous acts.

The Search for the Manchurian Candidate - The CIA and Mind Control:  
Brainwa****ng (Chapter 8)
His smorgasbord approach brought together virtually all possible  
techniques of mind control, which he tested individually and together.  
When his Agency grant came through in 1957, Cameron began work on sensory 

deprivation.

Global Governance: Why? How? When?
The other idea, the idea of sovereign government, is not new.  
Historically, the conqueror was the government. The Emperor, the King, the
 
conqueror by whatever name, established his government by appointment and 

established laws by decree. Variations of this idea emerged over time to  
give the perception that the people had some say in the development of
law.

Rothschilds and the Grail Bloodline
Jacob Rothschild, the current head of the Rothschild dynasty, has  
intermarried with the Sinclair family, forging an im****tant alliance  
between the head family of the Illuminati, and the supposed descendants of
 
the Grail family.

Illuminati Conspiracy Part One: A Precise Exegesis on the Available  
Evidence
Part one of an intensive investigation into the real history of the  
Illuminati: timeline; extensive member****p list (80+), aliases, profiles  
and influence; Illuminati cyphers, occult connections, the Brethren of  
Minerva and more. New discoveries never before seen in print or on the
Web.

North American Forum: The Secret Cabal of Trinational Elites
My first thought following the news of the secret meeting of elites at  
Banff Springs Hotel, Alberta, Canada (Sept. 12-14), was that this amounted
 
to a new group of insiders in the tradition of the Bilderbergers. This  
*****sment turned out to be more precise than I had originally
anticipated.

The Order of the Skull and Bones
The story begins at Yale, where three threads of American social history -
 
espionage, drug smuggling and secret societies - intertwine into one.




“The main features of the Weishaupt plan of operation required his  
Illuminati to do the following things to help them to accomplish their  
purpose:


1. Monetary and *** bribery was to be used to obtain control of men  
already in high places in the various levels of all governments and other 

fields of endeavor. Once influential persons had fallen for the lies,  
deceits, and temptations of the Illuminati, they were to be held in  
bondage by application of political and other forms of blackmail, threats 

of financial ruin, public exposure, and physical harm, even death to  
themselves and loved members of their families.


2. The Illuminati who were on the faculty of colleges and universities  
were to cultivate students possessing exceptional mental ability and who  
belonged to well-bred families with international leanings, and recommend 

them for special training in Internationalism. Such training was to be  
provided by granting scholar****ps, like the Rhodes Scholar****p, to those  
selected by the Illuminati. All such scholars were to be first persuaded  
and then convinced that men of special talent and brains had the right to 

rule those less gifted on the grounds that the m***** do not know what is 

best for them physically, mentally, and spiritually.



3. All influential people who were trapped to come under the control of  
the Illuminati, plus the students who had been specially educated and  
trained, were to be used as agents and placed behind the scenes of all  
governments as experts and specialists. They would advise the top  
executives to adopt policies which would, in the long run, serve the  
secret plans of the Illuminati's one world conspiracy, and bring about the
 
destruction of the governments and religions they were elected or  
appointed to serve.


4. They were to obtain absolute control of the press so that all news and 

information could be slanted to convince the m***** that a one world  
government is the only solution to our many and varied problems. They were
 
also to own and control all the national radio and TV channels.


After reading these four points of strategy, we have to admit that our  
mass communications media is controlled at all levels, and that at all  
levels our governments are also infiltrated and controlled, just like  
Weishaupt had planned back in the 1700's. Unfortunately, few people are  
aware of this fact, which is why they make little sense out of many of the
 
world events that take place today.”

— Myron Fagan





New Content

Monetary Reform: The Only Cure for the Hidden Tax
Politicians: Cor****ate Courtesans
U.S. Military Targets Southeast Colorado Part 3
Their Kingdom Come: Dominionism's Quest for Political Capital in the  
Emergent World Order
U.S. Military Targets Southeast Colorado Part 2
U.S. Military Targets Southeast Colorado Part 1 of 3
The Power Elite Playbook, Oil War One, 1914-1918 Part 13
The Power Elite Playbook, Beating the Oil War Drums Part 12
The Power Elite Playbook, Recruiting Willing Puppets Part 11
Human Compromise
The Power Elite Playbook, Government by Gunpoint Part 10
Listen Up, Eye Rollers! - Part 2 of 2
Deep Oil, Deep Politics
The Power Elite Playbook, Viet Nam - Plundered Part 9

 From below, and the reason most telling, why you should sell your dog and
pony show elsewhere....
"LaRouche would probably approve of their choice of `dangerous'
groups: more than half of the mentions figure prominently in
`conspiracy' theories of politics, such as communists, drug dealers,
Jews, bankers, intellectuals and the mass media. Some
`conspiracies' are explicitly named: the `zionist-socialist
movement,' the `international drug ring,' `cartel control of money'
and the `post-industrial counter-culture.' But other donors identify
mainstream organizations and leaders as `dangerous,' including the
`unilateral disarmament advocates,' `eco-freaks,' `Hayden and
Fonda,' `socialist Democrats' and
================================================
  `big labor bosses.'
================================================


> There is extensive material at www.larouchecampaign.org.  Perhaps you
can 
> use it to make your point ironclad.

On the positive side, there are a lot of interesting, if not shocking,
descriptions of LaRouche's (and his cult followers') activities and  
beliefs.
For example, LaRouche had a particular dislike for Henry Kissinger and
went
all out to try to get him. To name a few things he did to annoy Kissinger:
LaRouche circulated a leaflet entitled, "Kissinger: The Politics of
Faggotry" (p. 151), and had his followers harass Kissinger in Europe with
"schoolboy pranks, crank calls," and so forth (p. 150). He also  
disseminated
an article called "How Henry Kissinger Will Be Destroyed" to Kissinger's
audience when he spoke at Georgetown University (p. 151). Still, one is  
left
not really understanding where all the loathing for Kissinger came from.
Of
course, it is alleged that LaRouche hates Jewish people, but why did he
single out Kissinger and why did he insist that Kissinger is gay when
Kissinger is married and there is no reason to believe that he is gay?

King's description of LaRouche's beliefs and activities makes for
enjoyable
reading in the way that a horror movie can make for good entertainment. If
King is accurate, then LaRouche (and his followers) are about as cynical,
sociopathic, and exploitative as they come. For example, King writes, "the
LaRouchians had come to believe that really clever conspirators never
carry
out an assassination themselves, but simply spread hate propaganda about  
the
targeted person which might trigger an attack by some disturbed
personality
or fanatic. That way they can never be held legally responsible" (p. 153).
This book is full of endlessly disturbing descriptions of LaRouche's
hunger
for and abuse of power.
25 June 1996
GOVERNMENT MUST INVESTIGATE LAROUCHE CULT

The Executive Council of Australian Jewry called today for an
investigation
into the activities of the Lyndon LaRouche political cult in Australia.

The ECAJ, the roof body of Australia's Jewish community, issued the
following statement today:

"The Lyndon LaRouche cult has established an international reputation for
fraudulent and dishonest activities. Last night's Four Corners re****t
contained disturbing new evidence that the cult's Australian followers
have
been involved in activities which are both abhorrent and malevolent,
consistent with the group's behaviour internationally.

The cult's history has been marked by an antisemitic obsession with Jewish
individuals and organisations. The information regarding the group's
targeting of prominent and respected Jewish Australians will serve as a
chilling example of the lengths to which such obsessed people will go. It 

is
particularly disturbing to learn of the apparent collaboration between the
cult and federal and territory political figures.

All Australians have the right to live their lives free of harassment and
with their basic privacy and personal security ensured. The ECAJ calls on
the Australian government to commission a re****t by law enforcement  
agencies
as to whether the anti-Australian behaviour of the Australian sup****ters
of
Lyndon LaRouche involved any illegal activities, including breaches of
visa
regulations."
The Paranoid Style

LaRouche's parlaying of personal and political conspiracy theories
into a multi-million dollar financial empire is unique, but paranoid
political movments occur cyclically in American history. In his
widely-quoted essay "The Paranoid Style in American Politics,"
professor Richard Hofstadter argues that in times of economic,
social or political crisis, small conspiracy-minded groups suddenly
gain a mass following. The anti-Catholic hysteria of the 1800's, the
anti-immmigrant movement which led to the Palmer Raids in 1919,
the Red Scare of the 1950's and other societal convulsions, are
examples, wrote Hofstadter.

Such movements rise and fall periodically, according to Hofstadter,
appealing to people fearful about the world political and economic
situation, and longing for simple solutions to complex problems.
The use of scapegoats is common among these movements. The
findings of two academics who studied a LaRouche campaign
contributor list (available from the Federal Election Commission)
lend sup****t to the thesis that LaRouche appeals to a paranoid
constituency. In a 1986 press release, "Who Controls Us: A Profile
of Lyndon LaRouche's Campaign Contributors," John C. Green and
James L. Guth of Furman University identify LaRouche as "a new
celebrity on the extreme right."

"An analysis of his campaign contributors suggests that LaRouche
should be taken seriously, not as a candidate, but as evidence of the
failure--and success--American politics," wrote the professors.

According to the results of the study, among LaRouche's
contributors are a significant pro****tion of Northern neo-populist
conservatives, "profoundly uncomfortable with modern America
and susceptible to conspiratorial explanations of their distress. One
seemed to speak for the others when he listed his major concern as
`who really controls us?' To many of these alienated people,
LaRouche's outlandish views offer a plausible answer to this
question."

According to the study:

"Though LaRouche campaigns as a Democrat, most of his donors
are independents, with the largest group `leaning' Republican. but
ordinary people as well, believing that no one can be trusted `most
of the time.' Very few say they are optimistic about their future or
that of the country. They are equally disillusioned with politics,
40% re****t having become discouraged and ceased participating at
some point. These attitudes extend to current political groups as
well. Three-quarters feel `far' from mainstream conservative
organizations such as the Chamber of Commerce. Roughly equal
numbers feel `close' and `far' from more reactionary groups like the
John Birch Society. Uniform dislike, however, is reserved for
liberal advocates of change; the ACLU, Common Cause and Ralph
Nader.

  "LaRouche is most criticized for his political intolerance, a trait
exhibited by his contributors. To measure tolerance, we asked all
donors to name a group they regarded as `dangerous' and then
asked if they would allow a member of that group to run for
president, speak in a public place or teach in public school. Only a
quarter of the LaRouchians would allow a member of their
`dangerous' group to engage in all three activities and another
quarter would allow none.

"LaRouche would probably approve of their choice of `dangerous'
groups: more than half of the mentions figure prominently in
`conspiracy' theories of politics, such as communists, drug dealers,
Jews, bankers, intellectuals and the mass media. Some
`conspiracies' are explicitly named: the `zionist-socialist
movement,' the `international drug ring,' `cartel control of money'
and the `post-industrial counter-culture.' But other donors identify
mainstream organizations and leaders as `dangerous,' including the
`unilateral disarmament advocates,' `eco-freaks,' `Hayden and
Fonda,' `socialist Democrats' and `big labor bosses.'

"These kinds of attitudes occur among other conservative activists,
but rarely to this extent. And the LaRouchians differ from other
conservatives in demographic terms as well. LaRouche's donors
seem to be the remnant of the `small town America' of a generation
ago. Nearly three-quarters were born in the Midwest or Northeast
and more than half still live there, outside the major cities. Most
spent their adult life in one or two states; the only major move they
have ever made was to retire to the Sunbelt. Two-thirds are 55 or
older, male, of WASP or German extraction, and products of
[nuclear two-parent] families. They are not, however, particularly
religious; most belong to mainline Protestant denominations and
few are active church members. "

The authors concluded, "it is alienated people who make fringe
candidates possible. LaRouche should be taken seriously as a
symptom of distress in a small part of the body politic. His limited
appeal is a sign of the basic health of America politics."

One historian, author George Seldes, thinks LaRouche has
followed another seldom travelled but clearly recognizable historic
path--the road from Socialism through National Socialism to
Fascism. Seldes has authored some ten books concerning
authoritarianism and thinks LaRouche's theories and style represent
classic "Mussolini-style fascist" ideology. Seldes' analysis carries
weight especially since he wrote a biography of Mussolini in 1935
titled

Secret Agent LaRouche

In a sense LaRouche is a "Silicon Caesar" since he has risen to
power through a sophisticated computerized telecommunications
network which gathers political and economic intelligence and then
packages it for dissemination through newsletters, magazines,
special re****ts and consulting services. Former Reagan advisor and
National Security Council senior analyst, Dr. Norman Bailey, told
NBC re****ter Pat Lynch the LaRouche network was "one of the
best private intelligence services in the world."

Not everyone shares the view. When Henry Kissinger was told of
how LaRouche operatives met with high Reagan Administration
officials in the early 1980's, he told the , "If this is
true, it would be outrageous, stupid, and nearly unforgivable."
Dennis King, co-author of the article which
examined LaRouche's influence in scientific and intelligence
circles, says during the first Reagan term LaRouche aides managed
to gain "access to an alarming array of influential persons in
government, law enforcement, scientific research and private
industry." These ties form the basis of the LaRouche "CIA defense"
against the charges he conspired to obstruct justice. LaRouche
claims he believed his security aide Roy Frankhauser, a former Ku
Klux Klan leader and government law enforcement informant, was a
covert conduit to the CIA.

John Rees, an ultra-conservative whose
newsletter re****ts on political extremes on the left and right, says
he "believes the story that LaRouche staffers had
access to a lot of people." But he points out, "If you have all the
electronic resources and information-gathering staff that LaRouche
posesses you are bound to come up with occasional gems, that's
what most people were interested in, not the LaRouche
philosophy." Both King and Rees feel the Reagan Administration
consciously began distancing itself from contacts with the
LaRouche network following the and NBC
stories.

Russ Bellant, a long-time LaRouche watcher from Detroit, notes
that in the mid-1970's LaRouche simultaneously turned to the right
and tried to link up with more respectable groups, including, for a
brief period, several state Republican Party organizations. "Some
tactical political alliances with various right-wing groups were
made on the basis of LaRouche's scurrilous disruption campaigns
against mutual enemies, especially liberal Democrats," says Bellant.
In fact, LaRouche has consistently targetted the American left, and
done so with material and moral sup****t from small but significant
elements in law enforcement, the Republican Party and the
American far right. There is also evidence to suggest that the
LaRouche organization maintained a cozy relation****p with certain
elements in U.S. and foreign intelligence, military and police
agencies.

Bellant and other LaRouche-watchers feel the LaRouche network
and its questionable finances and intelligence activities may have
been overlooked by certain individuals in intelligence and law
enforcement agencies. "These persons were focusing more on the
information being churned up by LaRouche's intelligence-gathering
apparatus," says Bellant.

LaRouche-related financial operations have run afoul of the law
before, but by adopting an aggressive legal strategy his groups have
been able to fend off successful prosecution for years until cases
were dropped or settled by exhausted plaintiffs and prosecutors.
One Illinois case involving LaRouche-backed mayoral candidate
Sheila Jones and LaRouche's Illinois Anti-Drug Coaliton has
dragged on for over six years.

The 1986 Illinois primary victory by two LaRouche followers,
however, raised the ante. "The visibility that came to LaRouche
after the Illinois primary lent credibility to the investigations into
his financial operations by bringing forward scores of persons who
claimed to have been defrauded by LaRouche operations over the
years," says Bellant. There are probably a variety of reasons why
the ties between LaRouche and various government agencies and
personalities were severed in the mid-1980's. Highly-publicized
incidents such as the air****t battle between LaRouchies and Henry
Kissinger and his wife helped doom the LaRouche network's
relation****p with the Reagan Administration--their profile just
became too visible for a continued relation****p.

Principled conservatives challenged the Reagan Administration to
justify its flirtation with an anti-Semitic group. Intelligence
specialists questioned the wisdom of sharing thoughts with a group
which historically worked both sides of the political fence
separating allies from adversaries. Even Oliver North got into the
act when his fundraisers and security specialists found LaRouche
emissaries were getting underfoot.

LaRouche security expert Jeff Steinberg, who used to meet with
National Security Council staffers at the Old Executive Office
Building in the White House compound, spent much of 1988 in a
Boston courtroom facing criminal charges. However it appears the
criminal investigation which led to the current legal problems faced
by LaRouche and his followers began before the controversy over
his ties to the Reagan Administration had reached key decision-
makers in government agencies. While there is some evidence of
prosecutorial misconduct and civil liberties violations in the course
of some of the federal investigations and prosecutions, the claim by
LaRouche spokespersons that the indictments are part of a
government conspiracy to silence LaRouche appear to be without
foundation.

Political Puzzle?

Russ Bellant's articles on LaRouche have appeared in liberal
Michigan weeklies and progressive publications, while John Rees
tills the right side of the journalistic garden. But both agree
LaRouche's ideology is now neither Marxist nor conservative.
Rees, who for years has written for conservative, anti-communist,
and New-Right publications (including several magazines
published by the John Birch Society), thinks it is unfair ever to
have called LaRouche a conservative simply because he has tried to
woo that political block.

"He is emphatically not a conservative," says Rees, "he is a
totalitarian extremist with a cult of personality to rival Joseph
Stalin's." Rees concedes that LaRouche's politics are distorted and
strange, saying "he is difficult to categorize--in a sense LaRouche is
a remedial Fascist. At least Mussolini could make the trains run on
time. I doubt LaRouche is capable of doing that." Rees claims that
"when LaRouche was rejected by the totalitarian left, he simply
tried the other side of the totalitarian spectrum." According to Rees,
ties between the LaRouche network and several racist and anti-
Semitic groups are well-established. "Former LaRouche organizers
re****t cooperation with elements of the Aryan Nations Network,"
adds Bellant who says the LaRouche network is a "neo-Nazi type
of cult."

Racism and Anti-Jewish Rhetoric

LaRouche has many connections to the racist political right in this
country. Richard Lobenthal, Midwest Regional Director for the
Anti-Defamation League of B'nai B'rith, observes that LaRouche
security advisor Roy Frankhauser "has been identified as present
with other white supremacists at meetings held at the farm of Pastor
Bob Miles in Michigan." Leaders of the notoriously racist and anti-
Semitic Aryan Nations have attended the same meetings.
"Frankhauser's background and connections are myriad, he is
obviously a LaRouchite, he is a professed racist and anti-Semite
and was a close associate of neo-Nazi leader George Lincoln
Rockwell," says Lobenthal.

LaRouche not only works in coalitions with bigots, he has also
propounded ideas which are widely perceived to represent outright
racism.

LaRouche, for instance, offended the Hispanic community in a
November, 1973 essay (published in both English and Spanish)
titled "The Male Impotence of the Puerto-Rican Socialist Party."
An internal memo by LaRouche asked "Can we imagine anything
more viciously sadistic than the Black Ghetto mother?" He
described the majority of the Chinese people as "approximating the
lower animal species" by manifesting a "paranoid personality. . . .a
parallel general form of fundamental distinction from actual human
personalities."

LaRouche's use of hysterical Jewish conspiracy theories for ulterior
political motives has lead him to be branded an anti-Semite by
several major Jewish groups.

One ADL spokesperson, Irwin Suall, was once sued for defamation
by LaRouche for calling him a "small time Hitler." The jury ruled
against LaRouche. According to LaRouche, only a million and a
half Jews perished in the concentration camps, and they died
primarily from overwork, disease, and starvation. This denial of the
Holocaust is coupled with pronouncements saying there is nothing
left of Jewish culture except what couldn't be sold to Gentiles, or
claiming British Jews brought Hitler into power.

While many of the ringleaders of the global conspiracy, according
to the LaRouche philosophy, are Jewish, members of the LaRouche
group rebut charges of anti-Semitism by pointing out that a number
of them--including Janice Hart, former Democratic nominee for the
Illinois Secretary of State--are Jewish. The Anti-Defamation
League of B'nai B'rith, which has successfully beat back several
costly LaRouche lawsuits, rejects this explanation and insists the
group is a paranoid, anti-Semitic political cult.

For his part, LaRouche claims to be merely anti-Zionist, not anti-
Semitic. Jewish groups and political scientists acknowledge the
im****tant distinction, but LaRouche rhetoric--such as leaflets
distributed in California bearing the offensive headline "Smash the
Kosher Nostra!" and naming a number of Jewish figures as part of a
global conspiracy, leaves little doubt.

Since 1976, the NCLC's ties to anti-Semitic, ultra-right groups and
individuals have been well do***ented. LaRouche associates have
cultivated ties to Willis Carto, a notorious racist and anti-Semite
who helped found Liberty Lobby and the pseudo-scholarly Institute
for Historical Review. This latter group publishes "historical
revisionist" literature deriding the Nazi Holocaust as a Jewish hoax.

Former staffers at both the Liberty Lobby and LaRouche's NCLC
claim the two groups cooperated closely on several projects. In the
March 2, 1981 issue of its newspaper , Liberty Lobby
cynically defended the relation****p this way: "It is mystifying why
so many anti-communists and `conservatives' oppose the USLP
[U.S. Labor Party --the NCLC's original electoral arm]. No group
has done so much to confuse, disorient, and disunify the Left as
they have. . .the USLP should be encouraged, as should all similar
breakaway groups from the Left, for this is the only way that the
Left can be weakened and broken."

Linda Ray, the outspoken former member of the LaRouche group,
recently published a first-person account of her experiences in the
Chicago-based national weekly . She recalls that
after leaving the group, someone showed her a LaRouche
organization pamphlet she had once sold on the street. "In it the
Jewish symbol, the Star of David, was used as a centerpiece to
point to six different aspects of the illegal drug trade. In this
context, the Star of David was a symbol of evil." She was shocked
when she realized she had not recognized this while still working
with LaRouche.

"Many people find it difficult to understand how Jews--such as I--
could have worked for an anti-Semitic group. Perhaps the answer is
that the members get so hypnotized by the simplistic `good guys
and bad guys' approach to history that they do not hear what
LaRouche is really saying."

Ray recalls how LaRouche claimed the British were a different
"subhuman species" and how his magazine
concocted the charge that the British created the Nazi
movement."Since the blasts were overtly directed against the
British, Jewish members often did not recognize the subliminal
anti-Semitism of the attacks. LaRouche, like the Ku Klux Klan,
Hitler and Goebbels, was attacking the Rothschilds and other
British-Jewish banking interests. In the wake of these anti-Semitic
writings, many of us were confused. But we continued to defend
LaRouche by lamely saying, `We're not anti-Semitic. So many of
our members are Jews. We always say in our publications that we
are against the Nazis.'

"I remember reading in detail about the `subhuman species' concept.
Although I knew it did not make scientific sense, I presumed that it
was a deep intellectual metaphor that was over my head." When
Ray left the group and finally came to grips with her role as a Jew
working in an anti-Semitic organization, she says "It was as if I was
waking from a nig htmlare."

LaRouche's relation****p with Blacks--including his own Black